Houston, Texas Feb 7, 2023 (Issuewire.com) - I see a lot of pre-marital couples that need to work through some topics around values for their future life together. What their vision looks like as a couple moving forward and what they expect from each other can, at times, look different. When working with couples that are taking a new journey to commitment, I often ask what their idea of love and commitment looks like to them. We don't come with a book on how to be a great lover, husband, wife, partner, or parent.
Depending on your blueprint from your childhood and teenage years, what you have learned from friends, and what you have read and watched on TV can all have an impact on your expectations and who you are as a partner.
I find many couples get so caught up in the idea of marriage and a wedding and committing to each other that they forget to work through the ever-so-important topics. The topics that have the ability to help them maintain a smooth commitment relationship or marriage.
On the other hand, saying the word, commitment can send some people into a frenzy. If you came from a very unhappy childhood where parents were abusive and angry with each other, you might associate commitment with abuse. You may have a fear of being hurt, or you may have a fear of being trapped because you saw one parent not being able to have the freedom that was required due to one controlling partner. In this case, that partner may self-sabotage the relationship by being very negative. Or questioning themselves about staying in a monogamous relationship for life.
These concerns are not uncommon, and couples may start to question their relationships, mainly due to limiting beliefs and not having a clear vision of their future relationship. It is very healthy to work through these concerns and talk about your values and visions.
One of the reasons why settling on a vision and establishing goals are overlooked between couples is because, in the early days, the couple can't get enough of one another. There is a lot of physical attraction between the partners. With the bursting energy of newfound love, it's easy to overlook the importance of asking questions before tying the knot.
Among the important questions that couples need to ask are along the lines:
- Are you planning on making your career a major part of your life?
- Do you intend on having children someday?
- Are there certain touchy subjects that you have reservations about?
Success Being Determined by Small Things
Most major differences at the start tend to start on major goals, such as career and family. Yet, there can be small matters that get in the way. An example of this is how clean and organized you keep your house. One partner might assume that a clean house reflects success, while the other is a bit laid back on the matter. This already sets the table for some trouble.
The issue here is the fact that small differences like these come off as 'cute differences' early in the relationship. The difference might, in fact, encourage attraction, but in the long run, it becomes a source of trouble.
Tight Budget or Loose?
Finance plays a pivotal role in determining a relationship's dynamic. A lot of this is determined by how we are raised and our personality. When it comes to budgeting, unless it's extreme in nature, there is no right or wrong way to go about it. It's advised to be responsible with spending, but when one partner feels the need to micromanage expenditures constantly, it can lead to some heated arguments. Money is generally known to be a source of conflict. So if one starts to be picky about it, it can come off as being controlling.
Sometimes a person's perspective on personal beliefs can become a source of tension between a couple. This can be either political or religious or even both. Many would like to believe that matters like these are personal and not an issue for romantic inclinations. The reality is not quite so. This becomes an issue when having children because personal beliefs shift from an opinion to a set of values that determine what the couple defines as success.
Religion can be a source of trouble, not on the basis of the belief itself, but on how partners decide on going about it. If one partner visits church every Sunday, whereas the other just wants to have a good time, it certainly makes the weekend troublesome. This is an issue when children come into the picture. One parent would want to teach their child the importance of faith and believing in God, whereas the other would want them to wait until they're older to make up their own minds about religion. This can lead to heated arguments.
Political Philosophy and Parenting
Politics, whether we like to admit it or not, affects us. After some years, we have to file our votes for a particular ideology, person, and party. This act reflects a lot about our personal philosophy that goes beyond simply voting and elections.
In a marriage, one parent would want to teach their children to be independent and freethinkers, while the other would be conservative in nature, demanding obedience and conformity to long-standing establishments and value systems.
This, in the long run of things, can become a source of conflict as neither parent can decide on which path is the best for their child to follow.
Entertainment and Recreation
Everyone likes to relax after a long day of work. Couples, when dating, don't care much about what they're doing as long as it's done together. However, after some time, little differences start to show, such as someone loves shopping, while the other doesn't. One likes watching sports; the other likes reality TV instead. These things tend to create arguments, and soon enough, things escalate.
There are always going to be differences in a marriage. Differences matter, and it is better to learn how to respect one another. So make it a point to have some key goals that are in line with one another, be it career and children. Make sure to talk about personal matters such as religion and personal beliefs.
Be kind and compassionate to the partner's feelings and be aware of what to expect before making the commitment.
Source :Tracey Rovere
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